I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
