i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
