She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
