well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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