He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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