Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
