a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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