you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
