Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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