He uses pillows to masturbate.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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