Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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