I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
