My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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