I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
