If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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