I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
