I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize