Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
