Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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