On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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