A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
