Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
