Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
