my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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