weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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