Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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