i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
