you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
