so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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