i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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