There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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