fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
