We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
