My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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