matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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