I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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