a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
