I wish you could order shots online.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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