i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
