I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
