im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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