she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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