Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
