It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it's like heaven, but drunker
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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