i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
