I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
