I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
