Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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