I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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