I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
