Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
