I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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