If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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