Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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