I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
