Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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