The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
