My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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