dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
